Hello?"
"Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got an
Uncle Paul."
"Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right
now."

Brief pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I
did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, Honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rig, hit her
head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh my gosh!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all
scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But
I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

L-o-n-g pause.

L-o-n-g-e-r pause.

Even L-O-N-G-E-R pause.

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

I'll make you laugh harder.

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up acase of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and sothey carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream andputs it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.


"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer a day and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."


WHY I GAVE UP FISHING

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph . I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...


While attending a Marriage Enrichment Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened as the instructor declared, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

LMAO!!!! That is awesome!!!!

On the radio locally today:

"What's the hardest part of going roller skating?"

"I don't know, stopping without falling??"

"Telling your dad you're gay."

LMAO!

Why doesn't Iowa have a professional team?

Then Minnesota and Illinois would want one too.