I still want to check he is ok

I don't know how to write this.
I asked for the divorce https://onlinedivorcecalifornia.com/california-divorce-checklist/ . I know we need to get divorced. We will get divorced.

But I still want to check he's ok. Stroke his arm when he walks past. Kiss his cheek when I leave for work. Give him a hug. See how he's coping. I got the ok from the bank to move the mortgage into my name, which is a relief, but in some horrible sick twist, it's still him I want to "celebrate" with.

I miss the man I thought he was.
And I quietly cry.