this one came from my brother in law (who lives in Philly) and i gotta admit to a lot of truth in it...having driven in and around DC quite a bit in the last 5 years...check it out
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C.,
or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few
weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in
Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's
already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C.
It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway. which is
policed by the U.S.P.P. which is the United States Park Police or
better known as the United States Picnic Poachers.
All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning
and no end just one continuous loop that locals believe is
somehow clarified by an inner" and 'outer loop' designation. This
makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush
hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday
morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Nationals/Redskins stadium, there is no point in
driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to
anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington.
They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and
shot at.
If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you
will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon
as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages,
none of them English.)
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow
causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant
or Safeway for toilet paper and milk.
Don't forget that if your destination is only a mile away, it will
take at least 30 minutes to get there due to traffic congestion, the
idiot in the BMW SUV who thinks he has to conduct a conference
call to negotiate world peace while swerving all over the world,
the scores of newcomers who decide to cross the road when
there's a mass of cars coming at them going 80mph thus causing
everyone to slam on their brakes which leads to...an accident..and
the sadistic people who have to stare at the fender bender.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of
scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an
"Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you
consider Montgomery County another state, which some do).
Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction
ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more
confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
Takoma Park".
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition,
a tourist.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross
intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't...unless
you are asking directions to the nearest drug dealer or looking to
buy guns.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two
block will cost you $16.75 (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't
understand).
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/295/95 is the most
dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more
comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph,
BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything
less is considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show.
Strap up and collect points as you go.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far
right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be
caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are
fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat"
lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
Note: All mini-vans and SUVs have priority clearance to use the
far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-
tasking in.
If it's 10 degrees, it's Nat's opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the
Skins opening day. If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is
90+, then it's May, June, July, August, September, and sometimes
October.
Always remember this little rule on the Metro: Stand right, walk
left. People WILL knock you down the Metro elevator and shout
nasty things again, in every dialect known to man EXCEPT
English -- if you do not follow this little rule. DC'ers are busy,
important people who don't have time to stand behind the 40 kids
in Boy Scout Troup 325 visiting from Nowhere, Nebraska. And
we'll tell you that too!
A handy-dandy tip when bar-hopping: Unless you're on a first-
name basis with the President, Condy Rice, certain Senators or
Representatives, or Donald Rumsfield... you get the idea... no one
cares about you or your life story. Again, DC'ers are busy,
important people who only want to talk to other busy, important
people. We are not friendly folks looking to meet new likeminded
people; we only want to know what you can do for us...otherwise,
get out of the way and stop boring us.
You eventually grow to appreciate the looney people who leave
strange boxes usually full of refrigerators or fans, near buildings,
or the idiot pilots who can't see the BIG WHITE HOUSE that
every 3rd grader in the nation could identify by sight. You'll
appreciate the pilot in a nofly zone because it means that you'll
get a day off due to your place of work being evacuated. And it
won't count as vacation!!
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